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Kids should not be taken on planes

I need to make a public apology. I am deeply sorry for travelling on planes with my children when they were babies and toddlers. I am ashamed. I am remorseful. I am scum. I thought when people ignored my kids they didn't hear, see, smell or feel the pressure to smile at my evil spawns of Satan who had clearly overdosed on arsehole pills.

When I plaintively looked at people for approval and they smiled back, I thought they thought my kids were cute, special even, and that we, the parents, were incredible cultural ambassadors and amazing parental commandos who should be commended, possibly publicly recognised for taking child-rearing to the level of an extreme sport as we displayed commitment to quality time and expanding their horizons.

I now know you thought we were indulgent wankers selfishly inflicting our need to make people think we were better than them on the rest of the world. And the truth is, we were. I am so sorry. It's only now I realise the only reason you smiled back was because, sure, you had eight hours with my evil little freaks but you knew we were all stuck with each other for the rest of our lives.

Where has this sudden urge to apologise come from when my kids are now aged six, eight and 11? Because I recently went to Europe on my own for the first time since having children and I was stuck next to 18-month-old twins. I had no choice but to reach for the alcohol, ear plugs and eye-mask and spend those 24 hours reflecting on the stunning heights of my selfishness and delusion. Please bear with me, I need to share so I can move on and grow.

My wall of shame: a three-year-old in Bali - I am sorry; a one and four-year-old in Vanuatu - guilty as charged; a one, two and five-year-old in Borneo - what was I thinking? A two, three and a six-year-old in Vietnam - shame on me; a three, four and seven-year-old in Thailand - I feel sick just saying it; Sydney twice; Port Douglas three times. They didn't swim there. They went on planes. And I put them there. Please forgive me.

Trust me. Don't do it. Save the money. Get 'em a PlayStation, take them to the pool and buy them a packet of Smarties. If you want to expose them to some culture, cook 'em a stir-fry, buy them a sarong and introduce them to someone whose name ends with a vowel.

All my kids remember from all those expensive back-breaking orgies of cultural delights, natural wonders and flash resorts is the little white van that picked them up from the airport and that they didn't have to wear seatbelts. Oh, and some ''people with black faces'' who served them breakfast and cleaned their room.

Watching grubby, overweight, badly dressed, stressed-out parents wrestling their indulged, whinging little brats into their oversized monster-truck prams as they have car-seat thrones for their precious prince and princesses strapped to their back as they disembark the aircraft makes me want to do to them what I wish someone had done to me. Grab me by the throat, pin me against the wall and ask: ''What exactly are you trying to prove and to who? Get over yourself. You look like crap, haven't had sex since Britney Spears had pubes and are trying to make up for the gaping inadequacies in your life with a nauseating self-congratulatory blog that you think is adorable but we are all laughing at behind your back because it's just a blatant shrine to your raging narcissism.

''And you know that photo album you keep shoving under our noses? The one you ask if we want to see but have no choice? It's nothing but a spin-doctoring press release for your imaginary family.''

Forgive me. I am scum.

Catherine Deveny is the author of It’s Not My Fault They Print Them and Say When both published by Black Inc. Her third collection of columns Free To A Good Home will be released in December 2009.

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Posted By: Catherine Deveny on 7/10/2009 3:46:00 PM | Comments (29)

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I love this!!!! I think its brave and a wonderful thing that parents take their children travelling. Culture is so important and many younger children lack this "outlook".

Posted by Angela, 7/10/2009 11:55:01 PM

love it! I dont have children of my own but remember flying from syd to rome and having little italian children everywhere (so it seemed). although it didnt really bother me (as long as they werent screming the plane down) i commend parents on taking their children of such long flights. you must be very patient people. well done.. not sure if i could do it! Give the kids chocolate & red cordial before getting on the plane and who knows they may even entertain a few people! hahaha...

Posted by dell, 8/10/2009 8:07:06 AM

Folks with excess spermatozoa can now breed and travel at will. I now travel electronically via the internet and television. "The 6.8 billion of us who are on the planet at the moment are using far more of the Earth's resources than our planet can possibly sustain into the future." http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/o pinion/politics/too-many-people-n ot-enough-resources-20090916-fql2 .html

Posted by Geoffrey, 8/10/2009 8:26:33 AM

Fabulous, fabulous column! Haven't laughed so much for ages. Agree with you a hundred percent, too. Just take 'em for a walk instead!

Posted by Liz, 8/10/2009 8:52:01 AM

Children have no right being on a plane unless the parent/s can control them. That is, shut them up, keep them immobile and make them invisible. If you put your child next to me, don't expect me to smile indulgently. You will have as bad a trip as you make mine. Your child is not cute or special in any way and I have no interest in it whatsoever. In fact, no one but yourself does. Just thought I'd mention that; parents don't seem to get it.

Posted by Cricket Tragic, 8/10/2009 9:48:00 AM

My children are now teenagers and have travelled the world extensively from 2 year olds onwards. They always played and engaged with the other littlies on plane flights when they were tired of their colouring in books, power ranger figurines and other assorted toys. I was fairly blessed as they were not an interruption to other travellers. The chuckles they recieved from observers was the decider. Now, everytime we fly, they engage with little ones that are close by and play games with them. I couldnt ask for a better outcome. More power to you for travelling !

Posted by Toddler, 8/10/2009 11:53:45 AM

I don't mind taking my daughter on the plane, there was a horrible little child when we flew last time to the united states via japan we were placed behind a shocking little brat who was throwing food at my wife, my wife who was stressed from the flight and hadn't had a good rest on the plane at least my little girl who was about 18 months at the time was preacefully sleeping across the pacific but some kids are just not good flyers where others are

Posted by tom, 8/10/2009 7:17:40 PM

I'm more concerned with the irritating, obnoxious adults than I am about the behaviour of babies and children. For the most part babies and children can be pacified. But try and shut up the `motor-mouth' adult seated next to you, who insists on commenting about every aspect of the flight!

Posted by Marie Jacqueline Lee, 8/10/2009 8:00:34 PM

I have had the nasty looks and comments not just from passangers but flight stewards. It may be an inconvenience to some passengers to deal with upset kids but image the pain the child is in - there is a difference to tantrums and geniue hurt/pain/fear. I still continue to travel with my kids and disapproving people wont stop me. I am proud to take my kids on holidays and adventures and look forward to knowing this is what they will remember, not what TV show they loved or what PS3 game they had. Much prefer dealing with the looks and comments to having kids that have no knowledge of culture, the world and the gratitude for what you have that comes with the lessons from travelling.

Posted by Tash, 9/10/2009 12:28:59 PM

I think that was my 18 month old twins you were referring to. Was it an Emirates flight by any chance?! If you were the person that thought it innapropriate that they sleep in the basinettes because it encraoched on your personal space then I will say now what I should have said then - you are a selfish, inconsiderate twat.

Posted by RadRab, 9/10/2009 4:50:02 PM

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